Susanna Update

Susanna is almost nine months old and a little spit-fire these days.

Susanna and Chuck at Animal Kingdom.

She's crawling, pulling up and even cruising a little. She's not super fast at crawling yet, but she's determined and moves with purpose. She seems to think huffing and puffing like a scary stalker helps.

She has two bottom teeth and likes to use them on carrots and avocado.

She's also babbling a whole lot these days. She says: mama, dada, baba and once looked me in the eye and said, "Mom." It almost sounded like she was annoyed with me and I'm a little scared of what the future holds.

Her hair is losing some of it's baby softness and that makes me sad. It's getting thicker and starting to feel like hair. And even though she's still a long way from a first haircut, here's a little gem I found on my mom's computer.

Ben looking cross-eyed and crazy for his very first hair cut :)

Just like her namesake, she loves animals and squeals with delight when she sees Gary or Brandy. She crawls over to Gary and pounds him in jubilation, her sticky little fists collecting clumps of cat fur. Then she freezes, concentrates, sticks out one tiny forefinger and thumb and waits...  What's she doing? It looks like she's planning something, but you can't tell what she's looking at.

With lightning speed, she strikes like a snake. She's got one white whisker in her little pinchers and she's pulling it as fast as she can to her mouth.

Ha! Gary's met his little orange match. I'm embarrassed to say, but Gary makes me so crazy that I usually just let her abuse him.

In any case, Susanna is sweet and sassy and sure making us happy. Little Miss, your daddy says that you're as funny as you are pretty. We love you, Sugar!

Surviving the rain at Epcot January 2012

Ben and Susanna at Micah and Brittany's
wedding Jan. 7, 2012. That's Sprite in
Ben's cup.

Banana hates her car seat so much that when
she finally falls asleep she's literally
hanging on for dear life.

Blessed are those who Mourn

And again, blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted. ~ Matt. 5:6

This verse takes on new meaning to me and I cling to its promise. There are no contingencies, no strings. You don't even have to do anything other than what you can't help doing anyway - mourn - and God promised that He would comfort you.

It's been three months since I said goodbye to my mom and these have been both the most beautiful and painful months of my life.

Sometimes my heart hurts so badly I feel like I might collapse. It's as if part of it just got up and walked out of my body, leaving a gaping hole that continues crumbling. I still cry almost every day and now my tears sting. It's almost like they're punishing me for being so weak.

But sometimes I watch the sun rise outside my bedroom window, and I think, "Surely this is the most beautiful sunrise there has ever been." And sure enough, the next one I catch is even more vibrant.

And sometimes I pick Susanna up and she squeezes my shoulder in her version of a little baby hug and I think, "What a wonderful blessing to receive this baby's love. I haven't earned it and yet she gives it so freely. This might be the best feeling in the whole world."

I have never had anything to mourn - truly mourn - and I find myself ricocheting through the stages of grief many times over. Sometimes I see red and I just have to get outside where there's room to breath. I run until my lungs and legs burn. Sometimes I wish for just a little while with my mom. I'd like to make Thanksgiving dinner with her or play veterinarian with Ben, watching her listen to Brandy's heart with a plastic stethoscope.

I mourn not just the loss of my mom, but the loss of my old life and sometimes the things I miss are supremely selfish. No matter how old you are, your mom takes care of you and my mom took good care of me. She brought me vitamins, washed my dishes, upheld my family in prayer constantly. Now I'm the mom and the caregiver. Now I have to remember to take care of my family with calls, cards, vitamins, gifts.

I miss having a willing babysitter at all hours of the day and night. I miss having a good family health history - my dad has diabetes and my mom died of a stroke at 56, it's just a matter of time before my pancreas or brain poops out.

The one thing I don't do is ask why this happened. So many people want - maybe even need - to know why this happened. They constantly ask me, "Did she have any warning signs, any symptoms?"

The doctors said the blood clot that damaged the pontene section of her brain could have been from previous surgeries (she's had two within the last year), an old neck injury (the week before she had the stroke, she complained of neck pain and a headache). She said it was from picking up Ben and Ethan on the fourth. One doctor said it could have been from taking supplements.

But I think Chuck's Grandma Enderle had it right. She said, "My grandma always used to say, 'The day you'll die is stamped on the bottom of your foot from the minute you're born.'" It's appointed unto man to die and I think Mom just finished up her work and went home.

And although this separation hurts so badly, I believe that God is merciful and generous and is blessing us even if we can't always see the blessings. Sometimes when I lay down at night, I feel someone place their hands on my head as though they are praying over me. I don't know who this person or angel is or what they are praying for, but I'm thankful for the ministry and testimony. And I'm thankful that God gave me what I needed even though I wasn't aware enough to ask for it.

I don't believe that the entity praying over me is my mom, but I do wonder if my mom is praying for us and asking for a protection we wouldn't know to ask for otherwise. I also believe that my mom is working on her side and that makes me happy. I know she's happy if she's sharing the love of Jesus.

I watch the Lord pour out His love through people who love Him and I feel Him holding me - holding all of us and I think, "How can we keep from rejoicing? There are too many good gifts to count."

My mom - and all those we love so dearly - are not gone. They are simply on the other side of the veil and our time apart is short - soon we'll "Meet again and embrace at Jesus' feet".

And the promises just get better and better.

Matt. 5:4-13
4) Yea, blessed are they who shall believe on your words, and come down into the depth of humility, and be baptized in my name; for they shall be visited with fire and the Holy Ghost, and shall receive a remission of their sins.
5) Yea, blessed are the poor in spirit, who come unto me; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
6) And again, blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted,
7) And blessed are the meek; for they shall inherit the earth.
8) And blessed are all they that do hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost.
9) And blessed are the merciful; for they shall obtain mercy.
10) And blessed are all the pure in heart; for they shall see God.
11) And blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God.
12) Blessed are all they that are persecuted for my name's sake; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
And blessed are ye when men shall revile you, and persecute you and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
13) For ye shall have great joy, and be exceeding glad; for great shall be your reward in heaven; for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

Happy Father's Day

Chuck takes a lot of flack on this blog, but today I'd like to wish him a very Happy Father's Day and share a little about why he's a great dad.

I could mention that he tells his kids he loves them every single day or that he builds some of the sweetest Hot Wheels tracks I've ever seen, but I think I'd like to share another story. One that shows his preferred discipline style - Getting Even.

One hot afternoon, Ben and Evie were playing in a wading pool in our backyard. While they were refilling the pool, Ben splashed Evie with the hose. The next thing I know, Chuck said, "Don't worry, I got him back."

Huh?

Apparently, he watched Ben splash Evie, took the hose from him, and sprayed Ben in the face. Personally, I prefer to strive for a totally splash-free play date, and I find splashing someone who is basically one-fourth your size to be essentially assault.

But Chuck didn't think twice about it and defended his decision by pointing out that Ben did stop spraying Evie after he "disciplined" him. So, here's to Chuck's (and dads everywhere) unique style of discipline. Thanks for letting kids know there is someone bigger and tougher out there who won't hesitate to "show you how it feels".

Chuck, World's Greatest Dad, and the judges:
Baby Doo-Dan-A and Bean.

I'd also like to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day. Thank you for always encouraging me to do my best. Thank you for singing commercial jingles off-key, cheating at footraces and unwittingly sharing my childhood bowl trouble with my friends in high school (teenage girls are totally mature enough to talk about constipation).

Thank you for all the funny letters through college (I still have them). Thank you for not killing me when I backed the Grand Am into the garage crushing the brand-new siding. Thank you for being there for me when Blake died. Thank you for baptizing me and teaching me to listen to the Holy Spirit.

Most of all, thank you for loving me and my children. You're a great dad and I'm glad you're mine.

An exceptional dad right out of the gates. I truly
couldn't ask for more.

Mom Fail

A friend posted this video on her FB page. (Seriously watch it, because it's so funny.)

It's a Mama cat and her kitten cuddling and sleeping. The kitten gets the sleep shakes and Mama comforts/cuddles her baby back to sleep.

This proves that I totally fail as a mom. When my little ones jump in their sleep, I do one of three things:

1. Point and laugh.
2. Call someone else over to join me in laughing at them.
3. Get the camera so I can laugh at them later.

It turns out common house cats are better mommies than I am.

Humans vs Apes

I went to a Nursing Support Group today (Yes, I realize how lame that sounds, but it's totally necessary and actually fun.) and one new mommy was talking about her colicky baby. Nothing was working for her: nursing, swaddling, the swing...

My heart went out to her as Ben was a super colicky babe. There were nights when all three of us were crying :(

In any case, the lactation consultant suggested "wearing the baby". Put that fussy babe in a sling on your chest and move about your day. Then she said something that got me thinking, "Humans are the only mammals that put their babies away."

I think she was suggesting that lower primates - or even marsupials - have it right constantly carrying their babies. But as I think about it:

1. I don't have a pocket on my belly and
2. Really it's the babies that have super skills, not the mommies.



I don't know about anyone else, but my babies
can't cling to my body hair while I scale a tree.

Susanna is still a helpless little lump and Ben alternates between flailing wildly (No diapy change!) and being dead weight (No nap!). He uses whatever suits his current need.

Susanna being lumpy.

In general, childcare for other mammals seems easier. Bears "deliver" their babies while they're hibernating. Baby bears (weighing less than a pound BTW) basically walk out of their mother's womb and start nursing. Mama bears don't even wake up.

My experience has been, um... different.

1. Although at times I wished I wasn't, I was awake for both deliveries.
2. We'll skip the details, but both times it took an entire team of people to yank my children out of my body.
3. Both Ben and Susanna were confused about nursing. (They are definitely not taking care of business on their own while I sleep). Ben chomped frantically like Pac-Man and Susanna coils and then strikes like a blind snake. Both tactics are as painful as they are counterproductive.

I don't want to feel subpar to an orangutan just because I like to "go to the bathroom by myself" or "need both hands to eat a ham sammich". So, I tried to think of at least one mammal who isn't winning Mom of the Year.

And I found her. In 2005, Brandy had her first and only litter of puppies. She delivered 10 black lab puppies and, in general, was a caring and attentive mom. But she was always anxious to take a break. Whenever we came in the room, she'd get up and leave.

If she was a person, she would have said, "Oh, I'm so glad you're here. Do you mind watching the babies, while I run to the bathroom?" A half hour later you'd find her smoking a cigarette on the back porch.

I can safely say, I'm not sneaking smokes out back so take that other mammals - I win!

How To Ruin Your Baby In One Simple Step

We've only had Susanna for two weeks, and only had her at home for a week and a half, but never fear, we've successfully ruined her.

She was born sleeping through anything. I attribute her chill attitude to her abusive gestation. Seriously, Ben played the snare drum at top volume at my belly every single day. I actually had to wake her up to feed her and even then I'd have to poke her awake, change her diaper or even give her a bath to get her up for any length of time.

But that all changed with one innocent move. And here it is:

Chuck ruining Susanna.

Yes, that's Chuck and baby Susanna sleeping and snuggling on the couch. There is almost nothing better than snuggling a newborn baby. So one evening after I fed Susanna and she was still in-and-out of sleep, I said to Chuck, "Do you want to snuggle her while she falls asleep?"

And that was the beginning of the end. That night, I could not get her back in her bassinet for anything. She'd nurse and nod off. Then I'd lay her down and she'd pop up. I'd start all over and she'd pop up again. At one point I'd been up for two hours and was still failing at getting this baby safely back in her own bed.

For those who don't know, pediatricians suggest having babies sleep on their backs on a firm mattress with only a fitted sheet. No inclines, loose blankets, pillows, stuffed animals or any other comforts that babies (and normal people) like.

So at this point, I'm debating options trying to decide which is the least dangerous:

1. Walk, bounce and possibly drop the baby. I am only 5' 2", but that still a long fall for someone only 19 inches long.
2. I could put her in bed with us. (Both my children LOVE our pillow top mattress - you can literally lay them down wide awake and they will go to sleep on our bed. I have seen both of them fall asleep while I went to get a diaper.) But at this point I'm extra sleepy and don't trust myself not to roll on her. Nor do I trust Chuck, whose name I've been hollering for the last half hour only to be answered by snorts. 
3. I could try to put her in the bouncy chair, which she sometimes sleeps in during the day. The tricky part of this is deciding how to strap her in as she likes to wiggle out. Ben used to sleep in this chair and one extra-foggy morning I panicked because he wasn't in his chair - he was on the floor in front of it. 

See, I am a poor decision maker in the middle of the night and an even worse parent. In the end, I went with the chair and luckily come daybreak (approximately half an hour later) Susanna was still safely strapped in.

In the light of day, I have made her bassinet only moderately dangerous. I put a fluffy blanket in the bottom, but put a tight blanket over the top so it's still smooth, just softer. When she starts rolling, we're going to have to switch to the swing.

Only slightly dangerous sleeping accommodations.

On a side note, I told Ben, "Benny, we ruined your sister and we've only had her a week! Are you ruined?"

Sitting in our bed at approximately 6:22 am, with his legs under the covers and his little hands propping his head up on Chuck's pillow, he said, "Yeah!"

He's probably right.

Here are some shots of our bed at 6:30 this morning. Chuck and I were getting ready for the day and these two were snoozing/watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse happily after sneaking in our bed. They are such pills, but I guess we only have ourselves to blame.

They totally kicked us out of our own bed.

Ben looking happy that he's ruined.



Susanna was sitting up talking with us... for about
2.5 minutes. Then she fell asleep in this super
dangerous position. Don't get used to this sweetheart,
this is how babies die and we're not taking chances.



My Arch Nemesis

Get a good look at this face. Memorize his orange stripes, his white whiskers, the blank look in his eyes. This cat is my new nemesis. 

Nemesis. Arch Nemesis.

He's not my nemesis because he's a little bit dumb and mildly irritating:

1. He chases his tail like a lab puppy and then jumps when he catches it.
2. He chews up cardboard boxes leaving tiny cardboard snowflakes littering my floors.
3. He eats food off the table.

Clearly guilty.


He's my nemesis because, today, he licked my baby girl's hair. My greatest fear has come true. That stupid cat, who attacks my hair nightly - the same cat who makes me sleep in a stocking cap like I'm eternally camping - has set his sights on my sweet baby girl.

Susanna sleeping peacefully, back when Gary was still
boarding and her hair was still safe.  

Heed my warning Gary, if you destroy Susanna's hair, I will destroy you.