Blessed are those who Mourn

And again, blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted. ~ Matt. 5:6

This verse takes on new meaning to me and I cling to its promise. There are no contingencies, no strings. You don't even have to do anything other than what you can't help doing anyway - mourn - and God promised that He would comfort you.

It's been three months since I said goodbye to my mom and these have been both the most beautiful and painful months of my life.

Sometimes my heart hurts so badly I feel like I might collapse. It's as if part of it just got up and walked out of my body, leaving a gaping hole that continues crumbling. I still cry almost every day and now my tears sting. It's almost like they're punishing me for being so weak.

But sometimes I watch the sun rise outside my bedroom window, and I think, "Surely this is the most beautiful sunrise there has ever been." And sure enough, the next one I catch is even more vibrant.

And sometimes I pick Susanna up and she squeezes my shoulder in her version of a little baby hug and I think, "What a wonderful blessing to receive this baby's love. I haven't earned it and yet she gives it so freely. This might be the best feeling in the whole world."

I have never had anything to mourn - truly mourn - and I find myself ricocheting through the stages of grief many times over. Sometimes I see red and I just have to get outside where there's room to breath. I run until my lungs and legs burn. Sometimes I wish for just a little while with my mom. I'd like to make Thanksgiving dinner with her or play veterinarian with Ben, watching her listen to Brandy's heart with a plastic stethoscope.

I mourn not just the loss of my mom, but the loss of my old life and sometimes the things I miss are supremely selfish. No matter how old you are, your mom takes care of you and my mom took good care of me. She brought me vitamins, washed my dishes, upheld my family in prayer constantly. Now I'm the mom and the caregiver. Now I have to remember to take care of my family with calls, cards, vitamins, gifts.

I miss having a willing babysitter at all hours of the day and night. I miss having a good family health history - my dad has diabetes and my mom died of a stroke at 56, it's just a matter of time before my pancreas or brain poops out.

The one thing I don't do is ask why this happened. So many people want - maybe even need - to know why this happened. They constantly ask me, "Did she have any warning signs, any symptoms?"

The doctors said the blood clot that damaged the pontene section of her brain could have been from previous surgeries (she's had two within the last year), an old neck injury (the week before she had the stroke, she complained of neck pain and a headache). She said it was from picking up Ben and Ethan on the fourth. One doctor said it could have been from taking supplements.

But I think Chuck's Grandma Enderle had it right. She said, "My grandma always used to say, 'The day you'll die is stamped on the bottom of your foot from the minute you're born.'" It's appointed unto man to die and I think Mom just finished up her work and went home.

And although this separation hurts so badly, I believe that God is merciful and generous and is blessing us even if we can't always see the blessings. Sometimes when I lay down at night, I feel someone place their hands on my head as though they are praying over me. I don't know who this person or angel is or what they are praying for, but I'm thankful for the ministry and testimony. And I'm thankful that God gave me what I needed even though I wasn't aware enough to ask for it.

I don't believe that the entity praying over me is my mom, but I do wonder if my mom is praying for us and asking for a protection we wouldn't know to ask for otherwise. I also believe that my mom is working on her side and that makes me happy. I know she's happy if she's sharing the love of Jesus.

I watch the Lord pour out His love through people who love Him and I feel Him holding me - holding all of us and I think, "How can we keep from rejoicing? There are too many good gifts to count."

My mom - and all those we love so dearly - are not gone. They are simply on the other side of the veil and our time apart is short - soon we'll "Meet again and embrace at Jesus' feet".

And the promises just get better and better.

Matt. 5:4-13
4) Yea, blessed are they who shall believe on your words, and come down into the depth of humility, and be baptized in my name; for they shall be visited with fire and the Holy Ghost, and shall receive a remission of their sins.
5) Yea, blessed are the poor in spirit, who come unto me; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
6) And again, blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted,
7) And blessed are the meek; for they shall inherit the earth.
8) And blessed are all they that do hunger and thirst after righteousness; for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost.
9) And blessed are the merciful; for they shall obtain mercy.
10) And blessed are all the pure in heart; for they shall see God.
11) And blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God.
12) Blessed are all they that are persecuted for my name's sake; for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
And blessed are ye when men shall revile you, and persecute you and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
13) For ye shall have great joy, and be exceeding glad; for great shall be your reward in heaven; for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.