Use Your Words

Chuck and I have been attending a parenting class called Conscious Discipline. It’s put on by the St. Paul Methodist Church in Blue Springs and is an outreach program for the church and advertising for the church’s preschool.

I really enjoy this class. It spotlights some to the bad habits that are easy to slip into as a parent and gives alternatives. We’ve covered Composure, Encouragement and yesterday we learned about Assertiveness.

Assertiveness is clearly and concisely communicating what you want your children to do and expecting them to do it. There is no shouting, guilt, lectures or threats. You simply say, “Pick up the blocks and put them in the basket.” And then expect them to do it.

If they resist or say no, you use a “Tell and Show” approach. Walk over to the child, say their name and wait for eye contact. After you get the eye contact, begin to show the child what to do. As soon as they begin to comply, encourage them with, “You’re doing it! Good for you!”

Being assertive with your child takes the place of being passive (asking) or aggressive (threatening) and firmly, but respectfully communicates expectations.

This lesson couldn’t come at a better time for me, because Ben has found his No Voice. All toddlers have it and it’s an important developmental step. (I like to tell myself this when I want to give the naysayer away.) Toddlers have to separate themselves from their parents and begin to see themselves as an individual person, not an extension of the parent. At least that’s what the books say.

And at some point, we want our kids to know how to say no. Do you want to invest your life savings in this pyramid scheme? Do you want to smoke this doobie? Do you want to live in our basement for the rest of your life? Some situations need a no answer.

But at two, Ben uses no for non-negotiables. Here’s how one conversation went.

Mom: Alright Ben, let’s change your clothes.

Ben: No.
Mom (wrestling toddler): Hey, let’s sing a song. How about If you’re happy and you know it?
Ben: Yeah. Bing. Yeah.
Mom: …then your face will surely show it. Ben come back here, we have to put your pants on.
Ben (looking Mom directly in the eye): No Pants.

This is just one of many. Here is a list of some of my other favorite No Phrases:

• No come. (This always follows, “Ben come here.”)
• No topping. (No shopping. This includes an extra-sad face and crocodile tears. It’s usually reserved for the grocery store.)
• No bed. (Self-explanatory.)
• No Gaga. (Used for a variety of Gary’s antics – eating Ben’s food, sleeping in his bed, attacking his feet, biting his toys, laying on his Hot Wheels tracks. It’s sort of like Gary is Ben’s little bother and ruins his life daily.)
• No home. (He can recognize our route home from three different directions and they all produce the same heart-broken cries. “No home. No home.” When I ask him where he’d like to go, he always says, “Topping.” Yeah right.)
• No way. (This means, “No, I don’t want to put my toys away.” Or “No Mama, don’t help me. Go away.”)

Is it wrong that I think his sad faces
are so funny?

I am still surprised by this back talk. Not that it’s happening, but that it doesn’t involve, well… more talking. I always imagined my children telling me no, and including why. Ben just says no. Chuck pointed out that “No Pants” is really all there is to say. They are such peas in a pod.

Ok, there’s more to this class. The next step in this process is to teach your child how to be assertive with peers (although, clearly mine is able to be assertive with me). The example they used was a tattling situation and here it is:

Child: Cameron pushed me!

Adult: Did you like it?
Child: No
Adult: Go tell Cameron, “I don’t like it when you push me. Say, ‘Move please.’ Practice this now.”

When the child has mastered an assertive voice (not whiny or aggressive), he or she is supposed to go to the offending party and communicate exactly what they didn’t like and what they want to happen.

Conscious Discipline says, “The conflict is never resolved until you end with telling the other person what you want.” It encourages parents and teachers to focus on the behavior they do want rather than what they don’t want.

I was just thinking about how this could be applied to dealing with a customer service representative, coworker or spouse, when Chuck turned to me to practice. He said, “I don’t like it when you eat all the bean dip.”

This is on the heels of several pointed conversations. Namely, “Jackie, I don’t mean to ask you this, but did you eat all this dip?” Yes, I ate all the dip. No, I’m not sorry. BTW, I’m pregnant and hungry.

I’ve definitely had an increased appetite this last week and although I don’t feel like I have any true cravings, I do have food aversions and that leaves my options limited.

I just don’t feel like eating meat right now. I get my protein requirements from eggs and beans (I know that sounds like a bad combination, but it’s working). Chicken, pork chops, steaks all sound awful. Ben’s dietary needs (and Chuck’s dietary wants) dictate that I serve a lot of meat hunks. Rather than making double meals, I just enjoy the sides, maybe a salad and some bean dip.

So what if I polished off the dip. If I’ve ever earned the right to eat all the snack food, it’s now – I’m growing a person. I need sustenance and I choose dip.

I guess I’m proud of Chuck for finding a constructive way to air his grievances. It’s definitely better than his previous plan of asking me if I ate something, his voice dripping with judgment. Who do you think ate the dip? The other three “people” (term used loosely on all counts) in the house, can’t open the refrigerator. Yes, it was me.

So in 2011, let’s all practice communicating assertively. I’ll go first.

Chuck, I don’t like it when you judge me for eating so much. Please don’t comment on my eating habits. Ever."

And here’s my bean dip recipe just in case you want to eat too much too.

1 block cream cheese softened

1 can black beans drained and rinsed
1 can rotel drained
½ cup shredded cheese (Mexican blend or cheddar)

Blend all ingredients together. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes or until cheese is melted. Enjoy with your favorite tortilla chips.